a standard deviation?

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

i have been thinking about this post for nearly a week now...

-about how to avoid letting it sound whiny.
-about how to avoid letting it sound negative or resentful.
-about how to avoid letting it sound soap-boxy.
-about how to make it sound just right.

there is an old saying that you can't be happy with someone else until you are happy with yourself. i am happy with myself. i am comfortable in my own skin, and i am just as comfortable being with friends and family as i am comfortable being by myself. sometimes i worry i'm a little too comfortable being alone, but that's a different story for another day...

a deviation of this mindset has been bugging me lately, and i think it has mostly been bothering me because i'm not sure why it's been on my mind. are my standards too high? is it a natural component of human nature that's new to me? have i been naive to this in the past? or am i actually being a little bit cynical right now?

i still don't have the answer, and therefore, the original question is still nibbling away at me.

do you ever feel like you spend so much time trying to make the people around you happy that you lose sight of your own happiness?

i'm not talking about my girls - as you know, they are amazing to me. i watch them actively do things to make me happy and to make others happy. sometimes when i'm in the shower, i will hear them scurrying around in my room straightening my dresser or the bathroom counter, and sometimes when i'm cooking dinner, they sneak into another room and fold a load of laundry just to make me smile. and i do everything within my power to make sure they are happy, relatively well-adjusted kids who have everything they need and most of the things they want.

i'm also not talking about my good friends - they are also really amazing people. i am all about a two-way street, with the ebbs and tides and the gives and takes that develop with solid friendships. but there are times, in adult relationships, when you start to feel like the amount of energy you're expending heavily exceeds what the other person intends to return.

i'm all about karma. really, i am. and i'm all about doing good things for other people without expecting anything in return.

but what do you do when you realize the amount of your investment for someone is much greater than what they would ever do for you, even with nothing expected in return? is it really a two-way street at that point? and if it's not, is it really a relationship, or does it become an exhaustive effort? and are you essentially a door mat at some point in the equation?

i don't know.

it is frustrating. and i feel like those are really mean questions to even throw out there, but i did. so there. :)

i borrowed this quote from black swan yoga's facebook page because when i was thinking about all of this for the last week, whatever this is, i found it and it put things into perspective for me a little bit.

usually when i write to vent, i gain a little bit of clarity on my situation. other times, i can quiet my mind by getting words onto the screen about whatever it is that's going on in my life. and then there are the times when i feel better simply because i wrote. i'm pretty sure all three of these things have happened during this post, so thank you for reading/listening/letting me vent.

i hope this didn't sound whiny or negative or resentful or soap-boxy. i know it wasn't just right like i wanted it to be, but for me, it did the trick. funny how that works in my world. thanks again for reading!


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