all part of the journey

Monday, December 3, 2012

don't stop believing.

one of my all time favorite journey songs.

as it turns out, they knew what was up and i didn't even realize it.

i got so many sweet texts and calls regarding my comment in the last post about things happening on the home front. y'all are seriously too sweet, and you made me feel like a million bucks. and i'm sorry if i made anyone worry - that was definitely not my intent.

so here's the deal - thing one sat in my lap two days before thanksgiving (which also happened to be the day before her 10th birthday), and she took my face in her gentle, sweet hands. she looked me right in the eyes with her big, inquisitive brown eyes.

and she said, 'mom, tell me the truth. don't even try to lie because i know you better than anybody. is he real, or are you him?'

are you following along with me?

because in the spirit of believing and spreading the magic, part of my struggle with this post is actually writing about it and potentially ruining the magic for others.

do you know what i did to her?

i lied to her.

for the next nine days, we went through the same song and dance.

by about day six, i knew she knew, and i knew she knew i knew she knew.

but i just couldn't bring myself to tell her, and at some point i realized that i was trying harder to save face with my own lies than i was to protect her from the truth...because i knew she knew i knew she knew.

so friday we went outside, just the two of us.

and i told her the truth.

and i cried (a lot).

and she hugged me and told me it would be okay.

and she was right (because she's wise like that).

and we talked for quite awhile about how important it is to keep the magic alive, no matter how old someone is. if they're 2 or 80 and they believe, we help them keep believing. whether it's our younger cousins or our school friends or mama o's girls* or our grand parents, we keep the magic alive for everyone who believes.
absolutely no exceptions to this rule.
(*mama o helped me keep things in perspective by informing me that will and kate are preggers and kate's had horrible morning sickness, which i never had, so - double woo hoo!!)
i felt better that we talked about it and that we came clean with each other.

what i wasn't prepared for was the onslaught of questions that would follow.

questions about the letters she's written to him....

questions about how old i was when i found out...

questions about food for his eight (or nine) buddies and the food we leave out for them...

questions about jerry...

questions about who still really believes and who just pretends (i was ambiguous)...

questions about why we pretend in the first place...

so, so many questions.

by last night, i felt like a tiny part of me (and a bigger part of her) had been cheated, on my account.

we talked about it again before she went to sleep last night, and either by coincidence or intention, she made me feel a million times better about everything we covered in 48 short hours.

i'm sure this will be one of many moments we have that will parallel this revelation, but this was the first for us. and i felt like it was a big one.

and i know how much she loves/adores her little sister (who loves to stand right in front of me and entertain me from sun up to sun down)...

...and i know she'll keep the magic alive with everyone she encounters, because deep down inside, she really is a little heart-broken...and i know this because i know her better than anybody.

so that's that. no undoing to be done here.

so don't stop believing, okay?

bittersweet peace...


Amber Pesek said...

Thanks for sharing. :) I will so be calling you for advice in about 9 years!!

it's just me... said...

Awww - thanks Amber. :)

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