how did i get here?

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

how did i get here?

those are five words that can pack a lot of punch.

i remember thinking those words when i realized that i'd be moving out of what i thought was my dream house and into a new house of my own.

i was the type of person who meant forever when i said, 'i do.'

i never thought i'd be divorced at 34.

i never thought i'd be a single mom.

i never thought i'd be making the decision to buy a house in a neighborhood i wasn't crazy about.

they're probably words plenty of people have running through their minds on a pretty regular basis.

it's been almost fours year since i woke up and realized that my life wasn't going to land squarely in the middle of the 'here' that i'd always imagined.

tonight, those words ran through my mind again as i patted the girls to sleep (yes, i still pat them).

but they didn't run through my mind in the punched-in-the-gut, is-this-really-happening kind of way that they used to run through me.

tonight, they ran through me in a very beautiful and profound way.

they were a breath of fresh air.

a few months ago, i was talking with some of my very dearest friends about what it means to designate something as 'home'. we were divided into two groups: some of us felt like it was where you grew up and where your memories were rooted, and some of us felt like it was where ever your family was because your family was the root of the memories, regardless of location.

i fell into the first group; but tonight, i switched allegiances.

when i was putting cee and jay to sleep tonight, i realized that even though our house isn't in any of the neighborhoods i wanted to live in (it was actually on my 'not-a-chance-in-hell' list), the neighborhood isn't what matters. what matters is what's on the inside of the house.

and that's when i realized we have built a home for ourselves...the girls have made our house a home.

cee has carved out her own little niche of a living space with her tender heart and her happy soul, and i love it when i find her curled up in her bed reading...

jay has done exactly the same in her own save-the-world-one-step-at-a-time way, and i'm more likely than not to find her in there organizing (even though it is already organized to a 't') day when she runs the world, it will most likely be alphabetized and color-coded.

all of this is their doing, not mine. they really have turned this house that i wasn't crazy about into a home that we love. dearly.

do all three of us want more? of course...we're human.

they want two stories, and they want a house that has no livestock restrictions (go figure).

i want a bigger kitchen with an island and a huge backyard.  and a mud room. and tax exemptions.

will we have some of that one day? i hope.

will that make what we have more of a home? i doubt it.

i realized tonight that no matter the details of how we get to where we are, there is one constant (and i apologize for sounding cliche): home is where the heart is, and it's a place you're always welcomed with open arms, regardless of the circumstances.

our hearts are right here, and we are very lucky and blessed to have what we have...each other!!

we are each equally part of what makes this a very, very sweet home.

a big piece of the age-old, five-word question was answered for me tonight.

how did i get here?

i got here because this is an intentional part of our journey, and no matter where the road takes us, we're going to make it awesome.

and it will probably be pink in the process. :)


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