giant, venomous beasts

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

this morning while i was getting ready, something really awful and evil happened.

i am a creature of habit. each morning after i put a very tiny amount of smoothing shea butter liquid glass serum on my hair, i apparently proceed to rub the serum onto the tops of my hands and then i wipe the palms of my hands on my pants. the girls tell me this is my 'finishing touch' each morning.

this morning was no different...except for one minor detail. when i wiped my hands on my jeans, something went awry. i felt as if something very thin and sharp stabbed me directly beneath the cuticle of my left ring finger.

bewildered, i looked at my finger. i looked for stray poky things on my jeans.

i looked at my finger again.

i looked at my jeans again.


nothing was visible that could explain the shooting pain in my finger that was slowly oozing into my hand.

as the pain increased, i yelled for cee.

and then one word registered with me: scorpion.

frantically, i looked on the floor. i looked on my jeans. i looked all around me, and i saw nothing.

for some reason, i decided to turn around and look at my back in the mirror.

sure enough, SCORPION.

crawling across the small of my back.

i screamed for cee again.

she and jay arrived mid-scream, looking absolutely terrified.

i said (very calmly and quietly, i'm sure), 'help me...there is a scorpion on my back!!!'

i looked at them (without any terror in my eyes...because it isn't genetically possible that i would pass along to them the gene that makes a person fear anything that has more than four legs with the full realm of their being).

they screamed.

i screamed.

they screamed again.

(this is not unusual for us...if one of us says 'bug', this is a very normal and typical reaction that we are fairly used to experiencing, but usually we laugh hysterically afterwards because one of us 'got' the other two)

i said (quietly and calmly, i'm sure), 'please don't scream. you'll scare it and it will sting me again.'

and then i did what any logical person would do - i used my sheet to flick the perpetrator off of my back.

which prompted more screaming from all parties involved.

my biggest fear at that moment was that i would die of heart failure/stress-induced shock before i could smoosh it.

but please don't worry - all the stars in the universe aligned perfectly for me. the little guy fell to the floor, and i promptly annihilated him with my shoe.

it has never felt so good to squish something.


in my whole entire life.

the girls are fine.

my finger hurts like crazy.

as a result of this life-altering experience, i left mama o the best voicemail of all time, and she provided me with endless comfort for my physical and emotional wounds.

my house has been doused in several coats of extreme-maximum-elimination-never-see-them-again pesticide treatments specifically designed for these wretched beasts, and for the next two days i will be on high alert. if we were the homeland security council, we would be on red alert right now.

not orange, but red.

this is serious business.

just like it was serious business last year...

i will leave you with this question, and if you have answers other than no, it's okay if you don't comment (unless your answer is steeped in straight up scientific truth):

do scorpions have any legitimate purpose to be on this earth?

please get back to me if you have answers. in the meantime, i'll be gently rocking myself like rainman and hot water.



Mama O. said...

I am so proud of you, my sweet brave girl. And it really was the best voicemail ever. E.V.E.R.

Tina said...

So glad you're ok! And absolutely NOT those creatures have no business crawling the earth. Your post cracked me up!!

it's just me... said...

Thanks, ladies! And Happy Mother's Day weekend to you both!!

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