radius clause

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

the girls got home safely sunday - an hour ahead of schedule! i felt like all the missing pieces of my puzzle were instantly back intact from the minute i scooped them into my arms and covered them in kisses from head to toe!

even though they were only gone for six whole entire equinoxically long days, it felt like much, much more of a span...in a painful, nibble away at my heart kind of way.

have you ever tried parting your hair on a different side for no specific reason only to find that your whole day (and the balance of your head) feels quirky and off and lopsided? that's kind of how i feel when they're gone: quirky, off, and lopsided. and the wind doesn't seem to play fair, either.

while you ponder parting your hair on a different side for a day, i have a confession: i was a freakishly weird mess from the moment they left. it was the first "big" trip they've ever taken without me, and once they drove away, i was suddenly overwhelmed with a very sickening sense of fear and worry.

trips to waco and back? not a problem. trips to the beach and back? no biggie. trips where i can't get to them within about three hours? no can do.

apparently my mind and my heart have a radius clause, and this trip was definitely in violation of my comfort zone.

it was all-consuming and it ended once i knew they had arrived safely. it started back up the very moment i knew they were making the drive back home, and subsided (duh) once they were back in my arms sunday evening.

they were home.

they were safe.

they were sound.

and then last night (or this morning...) at 2:45 am, i woke up with the same feeling of all-consuming fear and worry. i checked on them, tucked their covers around them, kissed them, and knew they were perfectly enveloped in love and safety.

but i couldn't make myself go back to sleep. i tossed and turned and counted sheep and tried to decipher the root of my worries. i tried to trick my mind into oblivion. i tried rationalizing the feeling. i even tried to blame it on bad food. nothing worked to calm my jitters last night...probably because i couldn't quite pinpoint exactly what it is that has me unnerved.

i don't think there's a contractual resolution that can soothe my soul right now. this is a completely new feeling for me, and i'm not a fan of it. is this normal? i have no idea.

is this how i'm going to feel every time cee and jay are out with their friends?

will i worry like this when they are old enough to drive?

and how in the world am i supposed to deal with this feeling once they're in college on their own?

if this is my destined path in parenthood, i am going to be completely gray before they're out of elementary school (and just last week, i had a professional confirmation of 'still no grays!').

there are some aspects of parenthood you can't prepare for. this whole business of letting my girls take baby steps into the wild blue yonder? i'm not sure this is something i'm capable of doing.

the pollyanna/susie sunshine side of me is still trying to unearth the silver lining in all of this (and embellish it with happiness), and in my head i honestly already know what the silver lining and common sense are in this scenario...except it's not as simple as convincing my heart to acknowledge the obvious.

this is a major reality check for me.

if i knew how to put it into concise words, then i would probably add it to my facebook timeline of major life events. but really, there aren't any words that can capture this weird feeling i've discovered.

time for bed.


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