Monday, July 27, 2009
excellent in each of their own rights.
i love joel - he is so amazingly inspiring to me. he has helped me through so many difficult times. his words are always so apropos. they always hit my heartstrings.
chris hansen kicks ass on catching child predators. hats off to him. i could watch for hours. he does such good work.
soledad o'brien - been watching her since her today show days, and i really get drawn into the black in america pieces that she has done. she is soulful.
however, when one makes the decision to watch them back to back - while falling asleep - bad things happen.
i laid awake in bed from 10:30 last night until 2:30 this morning. first, 30 minutes of joel. then 2 hours of chris. and finally 1.5 hours of soledad.
they obviously combine to make very powerful statements. powerful, but sleepless.
my wheels spun all night. i literally slept for about 2 hours.
that is the kind of impact i want to make on the world.
i stopped counting sheep when i got to 400,000. then i just started drop kicking them over the fence in my head.
tonight - i will not make the same mistake. promise.
lack of sleep = unhappy me
sweet dreams to all and to all a good night.
Friday, July 24, 2009
i do not.
the girls think i do.
whenever we go somewhere and they want to buy something, i usually say no.
when i say no, they say, 'mom, just water the money tree!'
i tell them they are welcome to spend their allowance. they prefer to save their money. fabulous concept!
i kill all of our plants, so they think that our money tree doesn't grow because i don't water it enough.
yesterday, they planted money trees. they each planted a quarter in a red dixie cup, covered it with soil, and watered it carefully. then they put them on the front porch to 'grow'.
i am hoping to prove a valuable point with them.
the only problem is that my friend told me she did this and by some horrible act of the money gods, their money tree contracted a wicked weed and grew like nobody's business. her kids never again believed that money didn't grow on trees.
plant a seed, spread your roots. and good luck with the proverbial money tree.
Monday, July 20, 2009
think about it.
i drove over 'it' today, but there was nothing there (obviously). so, why bother? if it warrants a name, could it be called 'just like all the other land around it'?
other fun ones:
deep thoughts for the day. :)
Sunday, July 19, 2009
jay is going through an "i don't care if my shoes match or not" stage...
cee is finally embracing the camera! what will next week bring??
and jay was feeling the full cheese...
Friday, July 17, 2009
wish us luck - i know it will be a wonderful weekend! the girls and i are *so* excited!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
me: goodnight, goodnight, goodnight miss clavel (from madeline, their current favorite movie).
cee: mom, the heart wants what the heart wants.
(really? i've needed these words *so* bad for the last 4 weeks!)
jay: hey guys. you get what you get and you don't throw a fit.
(ahhh, so true. again, i've needed these words for the last 4 weeks.)
truly words to live by, don't you think?
see why i am blessed and enlightened by them every single day? :)
who would have guessed that the key to my problems was locked in the minds of a four and six year old? love my girls.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
i giggled too, although i tried really hard to stop.
jay tinkled in her pants.i called time out in a pathetic effort to establish parental authority.
me to cee: (with a full straight face) seriously. stop the madness.
cee to me: (very seriously) mom, sometimes i just can't.
God bless giggles - they are good for the soul...even after bedtime. :)
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
the car wreck scene? wish edward would have magically appeared for me yesterday and stopped my car! ahhhh, a girl can dream, right?
(yes, i know i am a huge dork)
Monday, July 6, 2009
this morning: dropped a glass on the exact same spot of my foot while putting away dishes. glass broke, tears poured. more swelling.
10 minutes later: pondered whether or not to crawl back in bed and not leave the house for the rest of today.
this evening: got in a car wreck. my fault. nobody hurt. cars? different story.
if today could be over, that would be just fine with me.
guess what? i found the silver lining!
a.) the girls weren't with me for the wreck
b.) my foot is not broken
c.) my foot did not get cut open by the glass
yay!! the big man upstairs must be looking over me. :)
happy monday, and for the love of everything that is good and wonderful, can it please end!!!???
i swear i will not post again until i have happy, funny things to say.**
**funny: seeking to or intending to amuse.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
"on the other side of doubt and struggle is a door into deeper faith."
so perfectly timely.
thanks, God. :)
Saturday, July 4, 2009
jay wasn't feeling the camera cheese after waiting so patiently for the fireworks, but she did offer to be the photographer. i don't have very many pics with just me and cee, so i am very pleased with this one, and i am also pleased with jay's photo-snapping skills! yes - she is four. she apologized for cutting my head off, although i saw no need for an apology!!
once the fireworks started, they were captivated! they were yelling out their guesses of what colors would appear - and they were really good at it....better than anyone else, although i think they were the only ones yelling. i wasn't quite sure what to do with this picture, but i didn't think a fourth of july post would be complete without a pop shot...
at one point, cee asked if the firecrackers were kind of like Jesus on the cross. i couldn't make any relevant connection and i really couldn't think of an explanation that would give justice to this amazing day and all that it means to our country. like many things, i am sure a good explanation will come to me and i can tell her tomorrow. but if you think about it, this day does have such a profound meaning to our country - it is a little difficult to put into words. God bless America.
that's how long it took me to realize the 'state of my life'. 36.6 days after the last day of school, that's today - the fourth of july. it hit me like a ton of bricks. the enormity of the sum of my life's changes over the last year suddenly makes sense to me:
-the reason i have been a weepy mess with an uncontrolable on/off switch,
-the reason i have felt like i was hit by a mac truck,
-the reason i have had the most useless amount of energy and enthusiasm,
-the reason i have finally tipped the scales to the sad side.
before june 15th, i held my own. i stood strong. i kept my head held high. i seemed in a good place.
but i wasn't; i haven't been. i had simply been distracted. and for the last 365 days, my mind has been able to swirl with no emotion, with the simple force of adrenaline pushing me forward, forcing a smile on my face each day. last summer was a blur of confusion, mangled understanding, and a very vague and elementary comprehension of where my life had trailed.
the school year kept my mind engaged. fighting for the happiness of my girls kept me focused. fighting for my girls, period, kept me sharp. forcing myself to believe everything was alright was easier than the alternative.
school has been out for 36 days. 20 days ago, the reality of life hit me full-force. it took me 16 more days to realize why i have been feeling off. and today? a break through!
divorce is real. life is not a fairy tale. life is not easy. reality is brutally honest. it just takes focused, undistracted eyes to notice. an uncluttered heart to listen.
divorce was the right choice. but it wasn't as easy as i thought it would be. i guess i have passed through the *denial stage* with a glowing yet cloudy piece of success.
i suppose the last two weeks were my anger stage (sorry to everyone who experienced my vent).
bargaining - i think i kind of skipped that stage. i am a scorpio - anger can be all-encompassing, so maybe, just maybe, bargaining was a lost cause. i am not the begging, floundering type.
and of course, we all know what follows:
life has changed. my mind has had time to stop focusing on the challenges that my students unknowingly blessed me with during each day of the school year. my mind has had time to be still; to think; to process. now my heart and mind are just an empty ache at the realization of change.
but my beautiful girls give me a reprieve, a reason to laugh and smile each day. they fill all the empty, achy parts of me with pure joy!
i am smart enough to understand; i have been through enough in life. i know that i still need to give my heart time to be sad. i don't need to stifle the desire to hurt and come a little tiny bit undone if that's what it takes to move forward in life.
i will give myself as much time as i need. no need to rush things. i need to experience the full spectrum of this enormity. so i will do just that.
i know that with prayer, faith, family, friends, and of course my beloved and beautiful cee and jay, this too shall pass. i am blessed to have this array of support to give me strength right now.
and next in the process? acceptance. something to look forward to - an arrival of a new door opening for me, a new chapter in my life.
i might be a bit on the slow side of processing, but i am thankful that i finally 'get it'. as the old saying goes, when something seems too good to be true, it probably is....such was the case with my life from february 17 through june 15 of this year. a year that will certainly mark my life as one of the toughest.
now that i realize what i have been through, i know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. even if i can't see it yet, i have faith that it is there.
until then, i will be looking for it - but not rushing towards it.
love to all....
it's just me.
(a constant mess of thoughts - random and scattered...me: a big bowl of figment soup)
many blessings to you on this very happy - and personally meaningful - independence day.
thanks for reading my pity party reality check.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
when i got home from the store today, cee smiled her fabulous smile at me, handed me a slip of paper, and said, 'mom! i saw a commercial on t.v. and if you call this number, it makes your face dry all by itself!'
huh? clarification needed. say it again?
'okay. mom. so. i saw this commercial on t.v. while you were at the grocery store and it dries up your face all by itself.'
[another slight pause]
i looked at the paper. i dialed the number. i knew what company it would be before they even said, 'thank you for calling...how can i be of assistance to you today?' i hung up (sorry).
it's the oreo at its finest: start with the good, bring on the bad, end strong and add some emotional appeal....wow. the girl's got natural sales skills.
God bless proactiv. go team.